Author: Rene

The year was 1978. I drove a school bus in the summer months for my detassling crew. I was way too young to drive a bus, and yet, I did. There are questions to accompany this venture. First of all, “What is detassling?” Second, “Why would they hire you?” Third, “Was this legal?”

Oh, I’m happy to answer those, but the main concern is the morning of the fog on my summer job. I’m driving the bus in June, 5:00 or so in the morning, on the highway, with dense fog. Into my head pops up my teaching from driver’s ed class: “Beware of animals leaping out in early morning or evening.” I’m on the interstate to pick up my first crew from a small town, and I slow down in the fog. Thank you, God. Deer ran across the road in front of my bus. I slammed on the brakes and gasped. In the 1970’s, the roads weren’t that crowded, so no one slammed into me. It’s been the only time in my life that I have had to deal with wildlife on the highway.

That’s what a weather alert will bring to mind for me. Fog? Okay. I handled that one years ago. And hey – who in the world thought a 19-year old could?

I will be remodeling yet again. This time, pool noodle decor will adorn my ragged-edged fireplace hearth. Yes, someone is pulling herself up wherever she can and is pretty darn proud of herself! (For the record, I’m pretty proud of myself when I can get my fanny off of the floor, too.)

It’s a clever idea – slit the noodle and cover that nasty edge. Additionally, pool noodles come in seasonal colors! I have chosen the ever-popular green model.

It’s Wednesday – we’ll see how the remodel works.

Yesterday I entertained the troops with a rendition of “O Mio Babbino.” I was finally filing (ooh! Nice alliteration) my music from Christmas and the caroling evening, when I noticed my misfiled copy from vocal lessons of yore. (Like forty years ago?)

Yeah, I can still hit the high “A.” No one complained or covered their ears. Quite frankly, the audience in attendance included a few houseplants hanging around the watering hole. They got their drinks, so they were satisfied. I just need a better accompanist and maybe a few violins?

My husband shared this with me last year – and I finally figured out how to share it with you! A friend sent it to him. Thought you’d enjoy a fun read.

Subject:Fw: Technical Support Simplified [as it relates to a bride and her relationship with her new husband]

  The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius! ***************************************************************************** 

The query:  

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.  Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed: Desperate 

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 30 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 10 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0. Good Luck Tech Support Team

The light at my major intersection turned green, and along with the driver in front of me, I watched the young person walking parallel to us, ignoring our signal to proceed. The kid had some crazy hair!

I started wondering, “When does someone’s personal appearance become a hazard?” Not just a distraction, but a hazard. We were impeding traffic and sending the opposing lane mixed signals! Then I thought, “I should have pursued those pre-law studies early on so I could argue this point!”

Missed opportunities.

While watching channel 2 and Dave Fraser with his “Pinpoint Weather” forecast last night, I was reminded of one day during our recent trip to Portugal.

The weather was looking “iffy,” and my husband said, “Well, let me check Dave and his pinpoint weather!” He pulled up his app, which indicated light rain at 10 am where we were. At ten am, it proceeded to dispense something along the lines of a brief drizzle. Dave was accurate and it was a pinpoint prediction, even half a world away.

Unfortunately, we’re not getting much moisture in the near future. Thus, with a near-60 degree day and bright sunshine, I’ll soon be giving a pinpoint garden hose report.

Yesterday, (a recurring theme) I planned my day around my designated accompanist gig for a funeral at my church. I was properly attired, primped, and early for rehearsal. I arrived.

First, I had a lovely, spirit-lifting conversation with the “Director of Music and Liturgy” right as I entered the church. He was dressed in a suit, which should have been my first clue. He asked me if I knew the deceased, which I did not. He then proceeded to give me a lovely compliment regarding Christmas, as I looked over my shoulder at the video screen showing “Doris” and her life. I turned to my director and asked, mid-compliment, “Who’s funeral is this?”

Obviously, I was one week early, wrong funeral, wrong date. We both burst out in laughter, totally inappropriate for the deceased’s welcome party, and yet, I figured, “Doris,” was that kind of person. I didn’t know her, but I think it was fitting.

The only loss was my taking time to curl my hair and wear something other than causal gear. Not much of a loss compared to the lovely life for which I did not get to musically accompany.

Yesterday was “National Houseplant Day.” Granted, I did not read the email to see who in the world designated that, nor to see who wanted me to purchase more plants. It was a nice reminder to water the ones I have as they continue to live their Darwinian existence here.

And then the “How to lose weight without exercising,” segment of the Today show was on. The answer, “No way.” Another lovely reminder as I clomped around the house.

Finally, I keep realizing how much crumb mitigation the dog actually did around here. We miss him in many ways, but that one has me in awe. It is a reminder that I need to sweep frequently, and if there is a mess somewhere, I can’t blame it on the dog.

Cruising through Taco Tuesday with broom in hand.

Last night I considered reupholstering my sofa, as in, trying to do it myself. I spent the evening online scrolling through fabric samples, placing five in my cart, and then reassessing my thought process.

That’s the problem with a new year and resolutions. I think I can actually do things I’ve never done. I’m just going to stick with the usual “get-in-shape” and “paint-the-music-room” goals. They’ve been on my list for two years, so maybe this will be the magical one. Or not.

Yesterday I finally caved in and purchased gas for my vehicle. I had been sitting at 20 miles to empty all week, mostly because I had another fueled car to drive. (You might be a tad low, Dear.)

My local Sam’s Club has the best price, and I ventured out to seal the deal. Did you know that the pumps took a day off on January 1? The attendant had to keep telling customers to move to different pumps where the pressure had returned to pre-holiday strength. He was quite pleasant in his task. I chose four pumps before settling on one in the sun, and I informed the woman behind me to take my spot when I was finished.

That attendant was grateful and then dealt with a nasty, impatient guy next to me. “See? This will be my day,” the attendant said to me. Of course I thanked him and he smiled and I immediately put that on the new year’s resolution list.

Thank anyone who is employed doing a job I’m not doing. Oh – and choose a new parking spot every time I shop. None of this, “same spot so I can remember where I parked” business. It will make my forays into the general public much more interesting and provide me many more steps for health.